I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
