Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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