I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
