I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize