U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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