I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
