I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
