OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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