Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize