A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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