I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
