a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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