I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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