You smell like a Billy Joel song
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
