Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize