Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
