i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Vodka?
Forever.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
