Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
