I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize