My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
