im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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