she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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