I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
