I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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