I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
