good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
