What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
