I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
