I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
is wine microwaveable?
he was CRYING into my vagina
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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