My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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