You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
