I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
