last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
