we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
