Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
