i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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