I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
