btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think my moral compass just broke
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