i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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