The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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