I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
