I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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