He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize