my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
