last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
