I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize