my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize