Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
