I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
