Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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