My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
