i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
