You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
