Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
