I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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