I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize