My Higher Power is John Stamos
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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