i just wanna soil my oats bro
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
