Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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