dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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